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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Fangs
Cheap
Husband
Short
Asked
Couple
Words
Inspirational
Fang
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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