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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Fang
Inspirational
Fangs
Cheap
Husband
Short
Asked
Couple
Words

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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller