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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Fangs
Cheap
Husband
Short
Asked
Couple
Words
Inspirational
Fang

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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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