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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ironing
Housework
Yard
Yards
Buried
Back

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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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