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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ironing
Housework
Yard
Yards
Buried
Back

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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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