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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Yards
Buried
Back
Ironing
Housework
Yard

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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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