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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Housework
Yard
Yards
Buried
Back
Ironing

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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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