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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Yards
Buried
Back
Ironing
Housework
Yard

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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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