Quote

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Food
Hours
Waiter
Three
Milk
Lady
Fresh
Grass
Asked
Comedy

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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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