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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Asked
Comedy
Food
Hours
Waiter
Three
Milk
Lady
Fresh
Grass

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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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