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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Three
Milk
Lady
Fresh
Grass
Asked
Comedy
Food
Hours
Waiter
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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