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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
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More quotes by Phyllis Diller
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
