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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Inspirational
Discontinued
Type
Blood
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller