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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Inspirational
Discontinued
Type
Blood

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
Phyllis Diller
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller