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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Three
Without
Yorkers
Time
Cab
Robbed
Taxi
Bank
Argument
Comedy

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self-pity is better than none.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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