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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Argument
Comedy
Three
Without
Yorkers
Time
Cab
Robbed
Taxi
Bank

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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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