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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Argument
Comedy
Three
Without
Yorkers
Time
Cab
Robbed
Taxi
Bank

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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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