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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Miles
Drive
Sex
Lives
Away
Boyfriend
Tremendous
Forty
Admit

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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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