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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Barefoot
Compliments
Compliment
Shoes
Someone
Alligator
Alligators

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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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