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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Someone
Alligator
Alligators
Barefoot
Compliments
Compliment
Shoes

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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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