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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Compliment
Shoes
Someone
Alligator
Alligators
Barefoot
Compliments

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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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