Quote

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Harbors
Pearls
Thanksgiving
Cooking
Fun
Kids
Commemorate
Thought
Harbor
Pearl

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

Image
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
Image
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
Image
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
Image
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
Image
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
Image
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller