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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Thanksgiving
Cooking
Fun
Kids
Commemorate
Thought
Harbor
Pearl
Harbors
Pearls
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
