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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Pearl
Harbors
Pearls
Thanksgiving
Cooking
Fun
Commemorate
Kids
Thought
Harbor

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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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self-pity is better than none.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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