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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Stay
Fight
Anniversary
Fun
Comedian
Sleep
Mad
Fighting
Bed
Funny
Anger
Never
Angry
Marriage

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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller