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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Funny
Anger
Never
Angry
Marriage
Stay
Fight
Anniversary
Fun
Comedian
Sleep
Mad
Fighting
Bed

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller