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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
First
Crazy
Mom
Children
Education
Telling
Talk
Spend
Funny
Teaching
Hilarious
Lives
Walk
Parenting
Next
Months
Twelve
Mother
Humor
Shut
Firsts
Walks
Silly

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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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