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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Next
Months
Twelve
Mother
Humor
Shut
Firsts
Walks
Silly
First
Crazy
Mom
Children
Education
Telling
Talk
Spend
Funny
Teaching
Hilarious
Lives
Walk
Parenting

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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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