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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Lives
Walk
Parenting
Next
Months
Twelve
Mother
Humor
Shut
Firsts
Walks
Silly
First
Crazy
Mom
Children
Education
Telling
Talk
Spend
Funny
Teaching
Hilarious

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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self-pity is better than none.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller