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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mother
Humor
Shut
Firsts
Walks
Silly
First
Crazy
Mom
Children
Education
Telling
Talk
Spend
Funny
Teaching
Hilarious
Lives
Walk
Parenting
Next
Months
Twelve
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
