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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Children
Education
Telling
Talk
Spend
Funny
Teaching
Hilarious
Lives
Walk
Parenting
Next
Months
Twelve
Mother
Humor
Shut
Firsts
Walks
Silly
First
Crazy
Mom

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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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