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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Children
Education
Telling
Talk
Spend
Funny
Teaching
Hilarious
Lives
Walk
Parenting
Next
Months
Twelve
Mother
Humor
Shut
Firsts
Walks
Silly
First
Crazy
Mom

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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller