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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Funny
Teaching
Hilarious
Lives
Walk
Parenting
Next
Months
Twelve
Mother
Humor
Shut
Firsts
Walks
Silly
First
Crazy
Mom
Children
Education
Telling
Talk
Spend

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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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