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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Funny
Housekeeping
Ever
Accidentally
Time
Housework
Steam
Witty
Iron
Humorous
Ironing
Enjoyed
Gin

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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller