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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Funny
Housekeeping
Ever
Accidentally
Time
Housework
Steam
Witty
Iron
Humorous
Ironing
Enjoyed
Gin

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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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