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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ones
Rest
Nice
Parenting
Home
Witty
Children
Aging
Always
Clever
Mom
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More quotes by Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
Phyllis Diller
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
