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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Nice
Parenting
Home
Witty
Children
Aging
Always
Clever
Mom
Choose
Ones
Rest
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
Phyllis Diller
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
Phyllis Diller
