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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Children
Aging
Always
Clever
Mom
Choose
Ones
Rest
Nice
Parenting
Home
Witty

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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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