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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ones
Rest
Nice
Parenting
Home
Witty
Children
Aging
Always
Clever
Mom
Choose

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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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