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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Best
Way
Odor
Witty
Kitchen
Humorous
Laughter
Funny
Inspirational

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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller