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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Humorous
Laughter
Kill
Humor
Housekeeping
Chance
Housework
Funny
Hilarious
Take
Cleaning
Work
Witty

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Phyllis Diller
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller