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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Kill
Humor
Housekeeping
Chance
Housework
Funny
Hilarious
Take
Cleaning
Work
Witty
Humorous
Laughter

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
Phyllis Diller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
Phyllis Diller
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller