Quote

A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

Peter Sagal

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Peter Sagal
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 31
Humorist
Playwright
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Peter Daniel Sagal
Subpoena
Subpoenas
Invitation
Invitations
Wedding
Gift

More quotes by Peter Sagal

Image
Look out sinners because if you do not go to confession, confession will come to you. The Catholic Church in northern England has launched a mobile confession unit called the Mercy Bus.
Peter Sagal
Image
Women are using makeup to make their eyes look puffy, their noses look red, and instead of going to the gym, they start their day with a brisk walk of shame.
Peter Sagal
Image
The new French theme park based on Napoleon is named Napoleon's Bivouac, and will honor Napoleon with rides, battle reenactments, and the brutal March on Moscow ride. That's a walk-in freezer you stand in for 18 months while you try to eat a dead horse.
Peter Sagal
Image
I love Salt Lake City. It's beautiful with all the great outdoors around you.
Peter Sagal
Image
With two years till the nomination, both [Joe] Biden and [Hillary] Clinton are positioning themselves to be the Democratic nominee. And are they stressing their experience, their ideas, their excellent hair? No. They've been talking about their poverty.
Peter Sagal
Image
We amateur athletes are peculiarly devoted to our fitness, and our obsessions can sometimes be a burden to our loved ones and a mystery to everyone else.
Peter Sagal
Image
Former Sony CEO Amy Pascal - they threw her out of the headquarters, but they gave her a new office on the lot. But she can't move into it because it reeks of pot smoke. Apparently, this is true, the former tenant was Seth Rogan. And he, as we know, smokes so much weed, when he finally exhales, it looks like there's a new pope.
Peter Sagal
Image
If you are using search data to decide what's fashionable, you are not fashionable.
Peter Sagal
Image
NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.
Peter Sagal
Image
[Joe] Biden countered. He was speaking at a summit for working families, and he said he had no stocks, no bonds, or a savings account. He then asked a Secret Service agent to hand him his hobo bindle, and he jumped a freight train back to D.C.
Peter Sagal
Image
If self-driving cars are going to work - they're being tested now, as you know - the computers that drive them have to have lots of practice before they're allowed to get out in a real car on the roads.
Peter Sagal
Image
Being a model seems like a dream job - lots of new clothes, cocaine, dates with Leonardo DiCaprio. But that's just for lady models.
Peter Sagal
Image
After Luis Suarez of Uruguay bit an Italian opponent in the shoulder, two things happened. Suarez was thrown out of the rest of the tournament, and the player he bit turned Uruguayan.
Peter Sagal
Image
In the old days, we painstakingly copied our emails onto paper, put a stamp on them and mailed them to arrive 4 to 5 days later. We also churned our own butter and used our phones for talking.
Peter Sagal
Image
In the ruling, Justice Roberts, who wrote the decision, referred to cell phones as not just phones but, quote, cameras, video players, rolodexes, calendars, tape recorders, libraries, and diaries, unquote. Plus, he went on, best friends, lovers.
Peter Sagal
Image
An Icelandic mayor goes on an anti-elf rant which gets him in trouble.
Peter Sagal
Image
We know that the president [Donald Trump] watches Saturday Night Live because he tweets about it. He doesn't like it, but he keeps watching it.
Peter Sagal
Image
Ben & Jerry's ice cream will try to make some marijuana ice cream, resulting in thousands of people simultaneously getting and curing ice cream headaches.
Peter Sagal
Image
We runners talk about having fun but I don't think anybody believes us. We talk about discipline and endurance, we take care, we exercise caution, we watch our diets and monitor our pace. We are ascetics who talk, unconvincingly, of the bracing enjoyment of self-abuse.
Peter Sagal
Image
Sometimes you just have to get out there and just help somebody face to face.
Peter Sagal