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I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

Paula Poundstone

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Paula Poundstone
Age: 64
Born: 1959
Born: December 29
Actor
Author
Comedian
Pundit
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Huntsville
Alabama
Dog
Cats
Started
Hiding
Store
Three
Stores
Years
Alcohol
Time
Drunk
Cat
Nine
Pet

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When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
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When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
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I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.
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I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
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I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
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Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas
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There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
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My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P.
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Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
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The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
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The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.
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I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.
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The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.
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I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
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I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
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I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’
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The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.
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I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
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Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of Easy Fit jeans.
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I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.
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