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I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

Paula Poundstone

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Paula Poundstone
Age: 64
Born: 1959
Born: December 29
Actor
Author
Comedian
Pundit
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Huntsville
Alabama
Nine
Pet
Dog
Cats
Started
Hiding
Three
Store
Years
Stores
Time
Alcohol
Drunk
Cat

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I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.
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The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.
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I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.
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There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
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The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
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I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.
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My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
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I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.
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I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.
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I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.
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I don't like sex ... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.
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When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
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When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.
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I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
Paula Poundstone
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When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
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I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
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What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
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When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
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Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of Easy Fit jeans.
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The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.
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