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I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Paula Poundstone

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Paula Poundstone
Age: 64
Born: 1959
Born: December 29
Actor
Author
Comedian
Pundit
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Huntsville
Alabama
Nothing
Like
Cruel
Watches
Watch
Humor
Family
Sense
Used

More quotes by Paula Poundstone

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I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
Paula Poundstone
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I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
Paula Poundstone
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I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.
Paula Poundstone
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The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
Paula Poundstone
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There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
Paula Poundstone
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My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
Paula Poundstone
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I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
Paula Poundstone
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I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.
Paula Poundstone
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What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
Paula Poundstone
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When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
Paula Poundstone
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I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.
Paula Poundstone
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I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
Paula Poundstone
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I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.
Paula Poundstone
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My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
Paula Poundstone
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The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.
Paula Poundstone
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Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of Easy Fit jeans.
Paula Poundstone
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I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’
Paula Poundstone
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I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
Paula Poundstone
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President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
Paula Poundstone
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I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.
Paula Poundstone