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I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

Paula Poundstone

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Paula Poundstone
Age: 64
Born: 1959
Born: December 29
Actor
Author
Comedian
Pundit
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Huntsville
Alabama
Something
Degree
Compulsive
Years
Degrees
Steer
Really
Conversation
Steers
Always
Number
Trait
Numbers
Obsessive
Happened
Traits
Everyone
Annoying
Back
Disorder
Diagnosed

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The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
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When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
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I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.
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I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
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I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.
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My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
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There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
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I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.
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I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
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I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
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I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
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I don't like sex ... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.
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The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.
Paula Poundstone
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I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’
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I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
Paula Poundstone
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What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
Paula Poundstone
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I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase family values and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?
Paula Poundstone
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I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.
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I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.
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When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
Paula Poundstone