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When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

Paula Poundstone

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Paula Poundstone
Age: 64
Born: 1959
Born: December 29
Actor
Author
Comedian
Pundit
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Huntsville
Alabama
Bears
Forest
Party
Calls
Hard
Forests
Canada
Polar
Noise
Cops
Bear
Gore
Save
Cop
Rain
Als

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I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’
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President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
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When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
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I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
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I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
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I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
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I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
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I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.
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When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
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I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.
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The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
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There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
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Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
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Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.
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I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
Paula Poundstone
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I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
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I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.
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I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
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The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.
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Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of Easy Fit jeans.
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