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When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

Paula Poundstone

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Paula Poundstone
Age: 64
Born: 1959
Born: December 29
Actor
Author
Comedian
Pundit
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Huntsville
Alabama
Voice
Spells
School
Heads
Giving
Obama
Every
Speech
Inauguration
Listen
Speeches
Gives
Graduate
High
Spell
Word
Graduates

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When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
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When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
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I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.
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I don't like sex ... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.
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I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’
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My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
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When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.
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The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.
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I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.
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I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
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I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
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I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
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The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.
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I confess that when I first read that smog is particularly hazardous to children, senior citizens, and physically active people, for a brief moment I thought, “I’m in the clear for at least 10 more years.”
Paula Poundstone
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I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase family values and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?
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I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.
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Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas
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I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.
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There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
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President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
Paula Poundstone