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We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

Patton Oswalt

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Patton Oswalt
Age: 55
Born: 1969
Born: January 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Portsmouth
Virginia
Patton Peter Oswalt
Patton P. Oswalt
Gay
Accept
Accepting
Bathe
Need
Hippies
Needs
Shave
Gays
Hippie
Conservatives

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I love the beginning of Magnolia, the thing about the dealer. That scene is genius. Brilliantly acted.
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I hate all sidekicks.
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Any comedian who tells you how dark and dangerous they are, they're not dark and dangerous.
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To get asked to do stuff like 'United States Of Tara' and 'Caprica' is terrific. I can't complain.
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If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
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People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.
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I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.
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Even if you're popular, there are times when you just feel like you're not a part of things.
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This sounds like a brag, but I know how to make good fried rice. I learned in college. There are two secrets - take the rice after you cook it and let it get cold in the fridge. Then cook the egg like you're making a fried egg and just before it's done, dump the rice and veg on it and swirl it around.
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If you actually do cold readings, it's very close to how people actually talk, because you're experiencing these thoughts anew every moment, and trying to make them come out coherently.
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It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.
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I don't want to get into extended conversations with people on MySpace, because there are friends I have extended conversations with every day.
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It wasn't until I went to college and met different people from different areas of life - and then went to San Francisco and met people who really knew who the hell they were - that I kind of caught up in a hurry.
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You can be an amateur and have a passion for something, but it takes a long time to actually become a professional, meaning that you can handle any situation.
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All the truly great stand-ups say, I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I'm doing my work. To me, in the end, the surest thing is work.
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When you put an album out, you can't do any material from the album if people are paying to see you.
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As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.
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I'm going to continue to try to strike a balance, because I really, really do love doing stand-up, and I don't see why it should affect the acting. And again, I'm not going, I've got to become a dramatic actor now. I just want more interesting jobs. I just want to keep doing stuff that's different.
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Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, This is where I wanna be.
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In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.
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