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If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

Patton Oswalt

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Patton Oswalt
Age: 55
Born: 1969
Born: January 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Portsmouth
Virginia
Patton Peter Oswalt
Patton P. Oswalt
Stick
Sticks
Gold
Head
Turns
Midget
Coins

More quotes by Patton Oswalt

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Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term.
Patton Oswalt
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Every audience is different, even within the same venue. You have to just make every audience your audience you can't pre-judge an audience based on the size of the room or the type of room.
Patton Oswalt
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Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice?
Patton Oswalt
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Any comedian who tells you how dark and dangerous they are, they're not dark and dangerous.
Patton Oswalt
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Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, This is where I wanna be.
Patton Oswalt
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I don't want to get into extended conversations with people on MySpace, because there are friends I have extended conversations with every day.
Patton Oswalt
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Stand-up is something I just truly love to do, so I'll always go back to it. I'll never stop doing it, that's for sure.
Patton Oswalt
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In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.
Patton Oswalt
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Anything's better than Gen X which is what we got. Thanks Douglas Coupland. We sound like a team of mutant vigalantees with frosted hair and chain wallets. Actually that's not completely horrible.
Patton Oswalt
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Every zombie story is fundamentally about a breakdown of order, with the infrastructure intact. That infrastructure might be on fire, yes.
Patton Oswalt
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I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.
Patton Oswalt
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Knock on wood, my groupies tend to be very artistic, creative people - sometimes way more creative than I am.
Patton Oswalt
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Growing up there are always those kids who are only happy when they are making someone else upset. That is unfortunately just how some people are. Some people are just born with bad wiring.
Patton Oswalt
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The truly great actors, like Charlize Theron, are just like, I'm an actor. For hire. I show up, I do my job. There's no I'm just waiting for the inspiration. They just do their jobs. They say, Let's go over the scene a few times and get it.
Patton Oswalt
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I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.
Patton Oswalt
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Somebody is going to find a way digitally that is just as innovative. In the end, the tools can change, but there is always someone who can think of something cool to do.
Patton Oswalt
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Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.
Patton Oswalt
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My advice to you is be boring, square, asshole parents... When I have kids, the most recent CD I will own - Phil Collins, No Jacket Required, and I'll rave about it. 'Do you like rock 'n' roll? 'Cause this is rockin' good stuff, kid.'
Patton Oswalt
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I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.
Patton Oswalt
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You can be an amateur and have a passion for something, but it takes a long time to actually become a professional, meaning that you can handle any situation.
Patton Oswalt