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They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

Norm MacDonald

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Norm MacDonald
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: October 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Quebec
Alcoholic
Alcoholics
Apparently
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More quotes by Norm MacDonald

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I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
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The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of heat, too. Obviously it gets criticism fairly, too. But a lot of it is because Lorne [Michaels] lets the audience decide and doesn't force them to laugh.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
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I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don't like to memorize words.
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This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
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Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.
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All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.
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In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.
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During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
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I don't have any ambition.
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You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends the old, on the confidence of them.
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Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
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I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.
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Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
Norm MacDonald
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Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.
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It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.
Norm MacDonald