The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

People can write jokes five minutes after a major world event happens, and have hundreds of thousands of people read them within 10 minutes. Whereas before you write a joke, you don't know if anybody is really touching on it or not, and you tell it onstage the next night. For joke writing it has changed things.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

I don't know if people really care about my opinion on things or how I come up with things, and maybe that's an insecurity and why we're comedians in the first place, so I think with that you keep doing the material, you keep trying to be funny cause you think that's all you're wanted for.

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.