You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

People can write jokes five minutes after a major world event happens, and have hundreds of thousands of people read them within 10 minutes. Whereas before you write a joke, you don't know if anybody is really touching on it or not, and you tell it onstage the next night. For joke writing it has changed things.

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

I don't know if people really care about my opinion on things or how I come up with things, and maybe that's an insecurity and why we're comedians in the first place, so I think with that you keep doing the material, you keep trying to be funny cause you think that's all you're wanted for.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.