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I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Owners
Cheeseburgers
Nope
Cheeseburger
Mcdonald
Spaghetti
Owner
Rebellious
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
Mitch Hedberg
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Mitch Hedberg
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Mitch Hedberg
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
Mitch Hedberg
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg
