Quote

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Ever
Ghosts
Kind
Ghost
Believe
Musician
Make
Okay
Think
Saws
Thinking
Lasts
People
Last
Translucent
Night
Caveman

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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
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My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
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I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
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