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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Thinking
Crackers
People
Animals
Taste
Humor
Animal
Funny
Make
Think

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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
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Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
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