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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Thinking
Crackers
People
Animals
Taste
Humor
Animal
Funny
Make
Think

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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
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You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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You know they call corn-on-the-cob, corn-on-the-cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it Mitch, but then re-attached it, and call it Mitch-all-together.
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