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If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
Joke
Made
Jokes
Good
Keys
Men
Laugh
Locksmith
Trade
Pimping
Laughing
Duplication
Humor
Ending
Free
Finish
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
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Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
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I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg