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If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Ending
Free
Finish
Funny
Joke
Made
Jokes
Good
Keys
Men
Laugh
Locksmith
Trade
Pimping
Laughing
Duplication
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
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I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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