Quote

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Clever
Technique
Humor
Imprinted
Name
Robs
Names
Candy
Funny
Chocolate
Bars
Saving

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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the Donate it to charity slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'
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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
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The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
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When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
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